What non-writers imagine writing to be

I’ve been drinking a lot of wine lately. As a bookstore manager, it is in my contract to provide several gallons of economically priced wine for every store event and occasional slow afternoon. We’ve had many events recently and it occurred to me that I’m probably drinking the wine equivalent of the High Life. It got me to thinking: as much as beer nerds may love to pick on wine snobs, there are many things we could learn from them. Examples:

1) Take time to taste your beer. There actually is a right way to taste a beer, and it doesn’t involve punching a key into aluminum. Much like wine, the appearance and smell have a lot to do with forming an educated opinion of the beer.

• First, take in how it looks in all respects: color (natch), but also how the head appears (frothy, thin), the opacity (clear, hazy), and how it presents itself (bubbly, creamy, dull and a horrible conversationalist).
• Secondly, stick your nose in there and take a big ol’ whiff. Beer comes in an astonishing array of scents. Each ingredient–malt, hops, and yeast–bring their own unique smell, as does the actual alcohol. Swirl the beer to better release the scents. Breathe in as you drink.
• Lastly, take your time sipping. Let the beer sit in your mouth to note the mouthfeel (do you know what that really means?) before swallowing. (Don’t spit! That’ll get you tossed out of a bar, tout suite.)

Like sober beer tastings, comfy bean bag chairs only exist in theory

2) Treat it like your mother. You wouldn’t invite your own mother to your place and then force her to sit in a dirty beanbag chair and eat SpaghettiOs out of a can, would you? Wine snobs know to treat their beloved beverage with the respect it deserves. Drink each style at the recommended temperature (never ice cold, btw) and if it’s available to you, serve it in the proper glassware.

3) Sample the whole range of one brewery’s offerings. On a wine tour in Napa you might taste test every wine produced at one winery, giving you a complete idea of their signature taste. Breweries have a similar signature, achieved through their particular strain of yeast or through a brewing technique peculiar to them. Beer festivals are great for this kind of investigation–in theory.

Not a key chain you want to hand over to the police

4) Don’t buy when drunk. Every time I go to my local winery I’m tipsily taken by the bedazzled, snarky wine Ts. In particular I dig the “My wine club has a book problem” V-neck. Some people need designated drivers, I need a designated stylist. And speaking of beer festivals, don’t fall prey to the swag! I have an absurd number of ugly, beer-related T-shirts that I only wear to the gym, which also serve as an accurate reminder of why I’m there.

5) It is possible to take this too seriously. Because, come on, it’s just beer. There’s no need to look down on the Busch drinkers just because you know your tastes are superior. Wine snobs do have a reputation in this regard and it’s important we learn from their foolish, misguided and unwarranted condescension.

6) Own it. You don’t have to be beery zealot, but you do have to accept who you are. Do you ever see a wine snob hesitate before throwing that pinky in the air? No! Because they love wine with a passion known only to them and to us beer lovers who similarly worship our heavenly brew. This is yours: love it unabashedly.