John Glenn, Ohioan & First Hunk in Space
By now you know I’m pretty proud of my little heart-shaped state. Ohio has a long list of firsts that contributes to my high opinion. I mean, we invented the hot dog, for goodness sake! (And many of us use the phrase for goodness sake often and without irony.) We also claim first in flight, which is hotly contested by those who actually give a hoot. We definitely were first to orbit the earth with John Glenn, who was also, much later, the oldest person in space — and this neatly conforms to my cartoon image of Ohio as a cantankerous old man who still won’t let anyone else shovel his damn driveway and always wears black knee socks, even in summer.
We recently earned another achievement: first state to have a combined microbrewery and strip club. Yeah, I know, right?! I made that face too! Though to be honest, strip clubs always make me more than a little squeamish, and it isn’t because they don’t characteristically have great beer selections, or even the nearness of naked bodies to open drink containers. But the issues I have with patriarchy and the commercialization of the female body can wait for another column, another day. Until then: what if someone looked at your sister like that?
Oops! I dropped my dignity in this giant mug of beer!
The Pinups & Pints gentleman’s club features one beer brewed there plus, “Daytons [sic] hottest entertainers.” Their logo is a cute pinup girl in a Air Force uniform of sorts — heralding back to Dayton’s history in flight — holding a frothy mug of beer. According to a column on The Beer Blog, a daily-updated blog about Ohio beer, the business started brewing out of necessity. The owner was getting a liquor license to save the floundering club, but wanted to stand out from the crowd — watching gyrating nudes while drunk on Bud Light just ain’t gonna cut it any more, I guess.
The beer received rave reviews so far: one customer interviewed by The Beer Blog reported, “It’s not bad.” One might imagine that the beer need not be all that good really; it’s more of a novelty, like light-up pasties or ping-pong ball tricks: you gotta see this just to see this! One may be tempted to say the addition of craft beer will class the joint up a bit. But joints whose tipping practices involve touching material in precarious proximity to an asshole, bleached or no, cannot be classed up.
So, remember when I said there is a time and a place for every beer? I would argue that a strip club is not the place to enjoy a craft beer, because who goes to a strip club for the beer? (Not me, you can bet your sweet bippy!) No one went to strip clubs for the beer or drinks before this, either. It’s kind of like going to a movie premier for the popcorn.
Please, a little respect! I’m not asking for much, just for men out there to give their craft beer the attention it deserves. These beers are meant to be swished, savored, swallowed, and noted down in a snooty little notebook for future debates and bragging rights. Not slurped and sloshed while distracted by some young tart’s tassels and teases!
Somebody worked long and hard to make that beer what it is today. Enjoy it in a nice bar with fewer mirrors and higher hygiene standards. Really get to know it — notice how its hop character mellows as the evening progresses and the notes of caramel linger as it warms. Craft beer deserves your time and attention, like a lady.