High Ball Stepper

Obsessions are only unhealthy when they keep you from your daily tasks. Truly I had the best of intentions to write a treatise parallel to Jason’s last post about local foods, exploring beer’s place on the spectrum of America’s beverages. I meant to discuss craft beer’s struggle against elitism versus regular ol’ beer’s place as the working man’s brew. The snob who one-ups me versus the the guy in line with a tall boy who scoffs at my nine-dollar four-pack. But I got hung up on the Jack White part. Lately Jack has been a constant companion of mine, specifically the Jack on the cover of his new album, Lazaretto.

Recently I had a conversation with a friend and her teenaged daughter about how men could be sexy without being particularly good looking. We used Jack as our prime example. The teenager wrinkled her nose. My friend winked at me and I went to that special place in my head where Jack and I have a beer together and he is so inspired that he writes a song about me right there.

Wait, this isn’t about beer at all! But what beer could I have possibly drunk with this modern master, you ask? What beer am I obsessed with enough that it would appear in my fantasies? As I’ve previously mentioned, the most appropriate beer to sip with Mr. White is a black IPA. Not out of irony, but necessity. I imagine his calloused fingers around a bottle of Uinta’s Dubhe, long, guitar-plucking nails clicking on the bright label, a small smile on his bowtie lips. What better beer to share than one named after a star?

What other sexy beers are out there to obsess about? On this steamy summer day, this list will have you racing for a cold one.

First off, let’s talk a Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’. My favorite Lagunitas brew and one of my go-to’s on a daily basis. Their website describes it as being “way smooth and silky,” so there you go. I love it for its balance, top and bottom rounding out like a calendar pin-up girl.

Next up, Tramp Stamp, brought to you by the the same company that brews the always-classy Muffin Top beer: Clown Shoes. Not subtle and not trying to be. But add citrus peel and an audacious amount of hops to a beer and you have a serious Belgian IPA. Favored by girls who always get what they want.

Sixpoint Brewery never explains the rationale behind the name Sweet Action, nor even what style it is. What I can say from experience is that this beer is complex, rich, and satisfying. Everything you can hope for from a beverage that features a full body and great head. Sorry — every bartender in Brooklyn must have cursed this brewery when it came out with a beer so easily punned upon.

Lastly, Left Hand’s Fade to Black — a seasonal series of dark beers that are reinvented each year. Volume Five was a black rye, earthy and a little sad; le petit mort and the end of summer. Beautiful and ephemeral, like a lacy leaf. Makes one wax poetic from the foot of the bed.

In my fantasy, Jack raises his beer to mine and smiles, a little sinister. We cheers to elephants, arcane words, the summer rose, and the quest for what’s at the center of love.