Beer-themed invites...so subtlety is not our forte
When I saw the phrase “beer-themed” noted on the wedding photographer’s invoice, I felt surprisingly embarrassed. My stomach fell in a way it hasn’t since the Fritos incident of 1988. Yes, the wedding is beer-themed, though we had never used those words to describe this momentous occasion. I felt “beer-themed” better described certain dude movies like Beer Fest or, you know, real beer festivals (which, coincidentally, are actually dude-themed).
As a beverage, beer has earned a certain reputation — that being that it is not wine. Or champagne. I believe I’ve soap boxed before about beer being my drink of choice to cheers with for celebrations large and small. But how do we differentiate between a “beer-themed” celebration of a union of two people in love and a thinly veiled (sorry) excuse get blotto. …Perhaps the larger question here is: does it really matter?
Well, I feel obligated to say yes, though there will be many similarities between a good beer festival and my wedding. I’ve been to a good number of beer fests in my ten years of drinking legally and have accumulated some party pointers.
1. Food. This goes without saying, I realize, but it is especially important to fill your guests’ bellies with a thick layer of absorbent, beer-friendly food before the kegs are tapped. My favorite local pizza place, Two Cousins, is baking us several of what they call, “Gut Busters” — essentially wagon wheel-sized pies, each capable of satisfying an entire little league team.
1a. But people just keep drinking! At beer festivals, the hard-core taste-testers, who wanted not only to NOT be utterly buttered an hour into the thing but to also have a free snack and a handy palate-cleanser, wore necklaces of yarn strung through the loops of pretzel twists. We may have a dress code after all.
2. Proper glassware. Though we’re being as green as possible with recycled, biodegradable plates and napkins, and as casual as possible in all aspects, I drew the line at paper or Solo cups. You want your beer to be taken seriously? Then treat your beer seriously. We’ll be serving the beers we recently made — the IPA and the English pale ale — and some craft sessions we order, all of which will be in kegs. Though kegs and red Solo cups do go together like Jack White and grilled cheese, this is good beer, and it must be respected. Most beer festivals give you a two to four ounce glass with your purchase of a ticket. You might expect a crowd of plowed beer enthusiasts to drop and break their little glass beer tasters…but they don’t! Those magical mini chalices remain tight in our grip, filling again and again, every time a little miracle. Like the BA bros say: Respect beer.
3. Water. Also obvious, but difficult to remember. Good beer tastings have giant Igloo water coolers strategically positioned around the hall or tent, ostensibly to rinse out your mini taster between beers, but also to keep oneself hydrated enough to remain vertical for three hours of beer drinking. Like beer tastings, weddings can be marathon drinking adventures. Since it is SO easy to forget to do, so we will be employing six or seven chimps as water enforcers who will circulate throughout the crowd with Igloo coolers on wagons and pry open drunken mouths to hold them below the spigot. It’s for your own good.
Being beer-themed does not necessarily relegate a celebration to the realms of debauched frat party. (As far as I know, there will be no nudity — not even the chimps.) Beer is a highly adaptable beverage in that, because there are so many styles, tastes, and possibilities, it is easy to dress up or dress down. Having made the beer by ourselves, we are now making the party ours, too. Cheers!