1920 Cork after the Black and Tans set it on fire; next from Yuengling, Gestapo Stout

St. Patrick’s Day is nigh. That green-hazed day on which we celebrate the historic moment when pilgrims sat down with leprechauns over soda bread and green beer. The Irish sprites taught the pilgrims to lust for gold and the pilgrims introduced the leprechauns to the ancient white man tradition of back-stabbing, later forcing them down the Rainbow of Tears.

Oh my. We all know that in truth we are actually celebrating the day Bono chased all the snakes out of Ireland! Eternally grateful, people around the world celebrate the day by getting drunk, kissing Irish wannabes, and wearing the traditional Irish shiny-shamrock-head-bobber-thingies.

And here is where I must be honest: though I am authentically Irish, though I wear a claddagh ring, have smiling Irish eyes, and really love me some potatoes, I do not actually enjoy the Irish beer available in the US.

BUT WHAT ABOUT GUINNESS?!?! they shout in disbelief. Okay, yeah; it’s a good beer and you look more suave drinking that than some piss-colored swill with the calorie count on the label. For me though, it was a gateway beer, a beer that bolstered my courage and allowed me to take the next step toward more flavorful, imaginative craft beers. Also, during lean times it was cheaper and more filling than a sandwich at lunch.

Guinness also makes up half of another traditional Irish drink: the black and tan. Guinness is owned by the same company as Smithwicks and Harp, and I firmly believe in staying within the family when making one of these bicolored beauts. A traditional black and tan is half Smithwicks (or Harp), and half Guinness, pouring the Guinness second over that fancy little spoon so it stays afloat the lighter beer. Also traditional: NOT calling them black and tans. In Ireland the phrase “black and tans” refers to English police forces sent into Ireland in the 1920s, and is understandably used in a derrogatory fashion as in, “that guy drinking the Heineken is a total black and tan.”  (By the way, Murphy’s is owned by Heineken. Sigh.) Yuengling (a family company, for real) makes a Black & Tan, but the Yuenglings are German and Pennsylvanian and mix a light and dark beer together, English-style.

So whatever silliness you may engage in this Sunday, let it not be drinking an English-style anything. Call your black and tan by its proper name of “half and half,” stay away from Bass and Young’s, and kiss a stranger. Or, pick up a bottle of single malt, preferably something peaty.