If the stereotypical New Yorker is loud and rude, what’s the stereotype of someone from Washington, D.C.? If the first D.C. Grub Match is any indication, that person is driven, discerning and a model of good taste. Also, a tall, skinny white female whose name begins with M. And so it was that I found myself deep in the heart of Alexandria with Martha, Mignon and Margaret as they prepared to fight it out for the title.

Round 1: Lyon Hall (Martha’s pick)
Things got off to a smooth start with high praise of the food at Lyon Hall. The word “amazing” was used liberally to describe everything from the sausage to the spaetzle. Though the menu is rife with pork products, even our vegetarian contender Mignon found plenty to like at Lyon Hall, particularly the happy hour specials like the warm pretzels with three different dipping sauces and the pickled vegetables that change weekly.

Margaret did find a few weak spots on the menu, however: “When it came to the cassoulet I was a little disappointed because they didn’t cook it all together, they put some stuff on the side…the whole point is that everything is mixed and delicious together.” Also, she felt that the dessert selection didn’t live up to the high standard set by the savory dishes. Even so, Lyon Hall managed to dodge any serious punches during this round.

Interlude: Vince makes a guerilla grab for the title.
Here’s another difference between a New York Grub Match and the D.C. version: in NYC we make do with beer at a bar, while in D.C., Vince, Martha’s paramour, makes a seriously bitchin’ brunch for everyone. He actually baked loaves of brioche two days beforehand for the express purpose of making it into French toast topped with berries and freshly whipped cream. Which begged the question: was he trying to upend Grub Match by being some sort of dark horse candidate? Things just got interesting.

Round 2: Bayou Bakery (Mignon’s pick)
As we made short work of Vince’s French toast, we turned to the second official restaurant on the agenda, Bayou Bakery. Martha commended the unflappable friendliness of the staff. She also said that it had truly earned the “bakery” part of its name. “The bread products were excellent: the bread upon which the sandwich was made was excellent, the biscuit itself was incredible…I ordered a Caesar salad. I always think that getting a Caesar salad is a good way to test a place, because you can make a really good Caesar salad or a bad one. It was actually pretty good, but again, the croutons were the standout part of the dish.”

Margaret agreed that the biscuit was enjoyable, but noted that “A good biscuit can be had at Bojangles’, so I was a little less impressed. But I thought the bacon was really good. It was really thick-cut, and it had a nice flavor to it.” And she found the crawfish mac and cheese both unusual and tasty.

Martha pointed out that a trip to Bayou Bakery can be educational: “The ordering system is cool. They give you a card with a name of a town in the South. I learned that Bossier is pronounced Bo-zhur.” Unfortunately, she had other, less positive revelations: “I also learned that I do not like pimento cheese,” she said, “and the meat was just okay.” Margaret found the menu a little limited, but both contenders concurred that Bayou’s coffee shop feel, daily specials and won’t-break-the-bank prices made it a perfect lunch option.

Interlude: Felix makes a breakthrough discovery.
Margaret’s new dog Felix had insisted upon being her companion to Grub Match, since he is an avid fan of both humans and French toast. Banished to the backyard after overzealous table-sniffing, however, he proceeded to get his head stuck in the fence. Once freed, he comforted himself by tracking down something sticky in which to roll. My first guess at identification was squirrel dung, but I was ultimately proven wrong when it dawned upon Vince that it just might have been a decomposing turkey carcass that had been discarded behind the shed.

Round 3: Crème (Margaret’s pick)
Crème has a signature dish, and Martha was prepared to tell us all about it: “It was the first time I’d ever had chicken and waffles that were good—the crispiness, the chicken perfectly done, the light dusting of powdered sugar on the fried chicken gently suffusing the crispy deliciousness. The waffle is really fluffy and light and ready to absorb the maple syrup goodness, with just a dab of butter. And then you put it all together and it’s like a sweet and savory party in your mouth. And when you’re finished eating that chicken and waffles, you’re so fucking happy all day. It is a transcendent dish.”

Unfortunately, any restaurant with a single menu item that is that good runs the risk of being a one-trick pony. “There’s some other shit on the menu,” Martha said, “but I don’t care what it is.”

“I would recommend you stick to brunch,” Mignon said. Her dinner experience there was a decidedly bad one: “When I got there, it was completely empty. There was no one else there. And it remained that way for the entirety of our stay. There were very few vegetarian choices—a bowl of sautéed mushrooms and a salad of field greens…that was it. The high point was that I became acquainted with a restaurant down the street called Eula’s, where I ate a delicious dinner after leaving Crème.”

Yikes. When asked to respond, Margaret had this advice: “Just go for brunch.”

Grub Match Aftermath:
Somehow, while we finished eating his food, Vince managed to repair the fence, wash Felix off with a healthy dose of dish detergent and (I am so not making this up) whip up a batch of fresh beignets. When was the last time you had something made from scratch and piping hot that someone deep-fried especially for you? If you answered yesterday, you probably have a heart condition, but you also understand where I’m coming from.

Whew, that was a lot to pack into a single Grub Match. Nevertheless, we’ve arrived at the moment you’ve all been waiting for…

The Results (Drum Roll, Please):
Best Lunch with Yummy Specials and Bangin’ Biscuits: Bayou Bakery
Unequivocal Chicken and Waffles Champion: Crème
Preeminent Turkey Carcass Location Device: Felix
Person Most Likely to Start a Trendy In-Home Pop-Up Restaurant: Vince
Overall Winner (for Meat Eaters and Vegetarians Who Adore Happy Hour): LYON HALL!