And proud of it!

When I was little, my dad drank Busch. He called it his “skunk juice,” which made six-year-old me giggle, because it did, indeed, smell awful. This is also the man who once told me he got drunk on orange juice, a claim I shared with my third grade teacher — her expression was concerned in a way I didn’t understand till many years later. By the time I had my first (and only) can of Busch, I accepted it with a smile I hoped was gracious and sipped on it as convincingly as I could. How did this happen to me? And more importantly, how can you, too, become a beer snob?

One) Make your early experiences with skunky beer as unpleasant as possible. Drink as many green bottles of Rolling Rock or Heineken as you can in a tiny, stinky dorm room with a bunch of other nerds who haven’t yet learned how to drink. You’ll never drink beer in green bottles again.

Two) Set your own low standards slightly higher than others’. When you go out to bars order Killian’s or Labatt, and scoff quietly at your compatriots buying pitchers of Bud and shots with names like “buttery nipple.”

Three) Order your first beer as a legal drinker. Pay for it yourself because you’re the only one of your friends with money, and remember, forever, how you asked for a “Harps,” and how the bartender corrected you with dripping condescension, “So you want Harp?”

Four) Become a regular at local brewpub whose happy hour had, until age 21, remained a thing of legend. Buy pitchers of local craft beer for six bucks and drink enough OPA (Ohio Pale Ale) on their packed patio to make the state of their bathrooms seem reasonable.

Five) Move to a city with bars like bars should be and beer like beer should be: good and made nearby.

Six) Collect bartenders as your personal gurus. They will teach you the terms “banana-nose” and “mouthfeel.” They will introduce you to the best Belgians available outside Belgium and the best porter you’d never heard of from Maine. They will respect your curiosity and even meet for lunch on their off days to discuss saisons.

Seven) Convert your father from a “Joe Six-Pack” to a “Joe Four-Pack-of-Russian-Imperial-Stout.” Make your own beer with him and declare it not disgusting, which is all you were really hoping for.

Eight) Fall in love with a guy who also brews his own beer and who, as an unexpected bonus, also owns much better brewing equipment than you.

Lastly) Drink lots of beer. Drink new brands and old favorites. Drink with your Dad and your friends and your family. Drink lots of beer.