Whoa, let’s not get carried away here…

Few holidays are loathed with the same venom as Valentine’s Day. I say, save all the energy you expend complaining about not getting a date and put it into not celebrating the day white man did not discover our land mass. No? Would it be different if you got Monday off? Maybe you just want to binge-watch John Hughes movies and aggressively eat obscene amounts of chocolate. You can do better than that! Let’s do it up right and drink the whole damn day away. Here are a few beers to pair with your own particular brand of self-hatred.

Say you intend to spend a reclusive evening alone on Valentine’s Day, as you’ve spent the entire beginning of the 14th spiraling down into a dark and inescapable funk after Facebook-stalking your ex and obsessing over the syntax and contextual hints of their most recent posts involving someone named Jamie. It is clear you need a stout, a Heart of Darkness from Magic Hat, to be specific. If you’re going to lose it, really go for it.

If you truly love something, get a tattoo

Perhaps you’re a dude who wants to drown his sorrows between the Rubbermaid breasts of a strange woman. In this case I’d recommend Dominion’s Double D Imperial IPA, a classy, subtle brew that shares a name with the strip joint the insecure boys in my high school went to when they turned 18. Many of them may still be there. At 9% abv, it won’t take all that many bottles to forget how many ones you had in your wallet to begin with.

Then again, you could be a woman who has finally, finally had enough of this bullshit. All women have been mansplained, interrupted, put down, and condescended to. Most of us who have objected to this have been called any number of colorful combinations of animals, body parts, and psychological dysfunctions. Ladies: may I suggest Flying Dog’s Raging Bitch Belgian IPA. Embrace the bitch; be the bitch. And tell those deranged donkey anuses precisely what you think of their holiday.

Being alone on Valentine’s means not having to share

We mustn’t forget the optimists among us. For some, Valentine’s is an opportunity to meet new, lovely yet equally-lonely singles out for a beer by themselves on the couples-iest day of the year. There are two beers I know of brewed specifically for this situation: Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’ by Lagunitas and Sweet Action by Sixpoint. That they are two of my most favorite beers is irrelevant. Note: do not use the beer names as actual parts of your pick-up line, or you will be numberless when the lights turn on.

Lastly, for the tenacious and perhaps vainglorious among us, there is but one beer: Oskar Blues’ Old Chub. Some folks hold fast to the saying that no love is more important than self-love.